Somehow Rick Smith is still the GM, mostly because McNair likes him, while O’Brien has been mentioned as being “on the hot seat.” What a joke. I live in Germany now and thankfully the only way to watch a game here is going to be alone at home, where anyone who roots for this club foot of a fucking team belongs. Do you know why the NFL ratings were down last year?

& Barbara Bush in Houston has been extremely gross to watch in person. Instead, I get one more season of living in a sea of mediocrity and bedazzled JJ Watt jerseys. Welcome to Texans Wire's European Union Experience. Well, okay. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here. We spent a lot of time figuring out how to do this preview given current events (please donate if you can), and decided the best way to honor a city full of tough, resilient people is to remind them how shitty the Texans are.
$289 million of the home of the Texans $474m price tag came from the public, via hotel taxes and surcharges on cabs. I have many friends and family that are not as lucky. The only thing we should get as a participation ribbon.

All count against the team's salary cap. The Texans won the NFL’s jayvee division for the second straight year while having a -49 net point differential. Or laughing. I have very much enjoyed the dragging of Joel Osteen. Jesus. Look at his phony, Jimmy Swaggart ass on TV this morning, looking like vampire Ned Flanders: I think the Texans have made me happy less than five times in my life. Security was called over and the guy was escorted out. Rick Smith got dunked on by the Browns in the Brock Osweiler trade and yet will probably never be fired. If you guys can survive David Carr, you can survive anything. Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Normally, this is the part where we goof on the NFL team’s city as a whole.

All I wanted was Pat Mahomes. But, that’s never stopped these fans from believing otherwise.

Duane Brown is still holding out. I have been through the ringer the last few days, but luckily did not get flooded out. What’s the point? All I need to know about the Texans forever can be summed up in a quote from Bill O’Brien on Hard Knocks: “We have to reserve the right to punt.”, J.J. Watt, a Disney sports movie pep talk that got way into Crossfit, severed his spinal cord trying to prove that he was the hardest-working athlete on the planet.
They fucked up so badly on Brock Osweiler that they had to do that NBA trade thing where they deal their draft picks just to get out from under a heinous contract. I look forward to this every single year, and all I want to do right now is sit on the shitter for 10 minutes and read about how utterly inconsequential the Texans are and all the ways this city that I love so much sucks. He’s not. You can set your browser to block or alert you about these cookies, but some parts of the site will not then work. This one’s for you, Houston. How many times a year can fans be expected to sit through a game where the Texans get blown out yet still expect them to keep watching? The team gets absolutely destroyed and everyone promises to come back stronger next year, yet no major changes are made. The Astros may win the World Series this season and the Rockets have two of the top-10 players in the NBA, but Houston parents will still take their kids out of school for a day to attend an Alfred Blue autograph signing at a suburban Twin Peaks in the middle of September. Our greatest win in Franchise history was our very first game, when we beat the Cowboys 19-10 thanks to Quincy Carter’s cocaine habit. They mortgaged the future to get a QB (a necessity because of the colossal front office QB fuck up from the previous year) and if he is a bust, the GM will survive cause he is fucking bulletproof for some reason. The owner is a prick. Fuck Brock Asswiper with 37 million dildos on fire. Oh, I bet you are. YOU CAN’T. This website is not directly or indirectly affiliated, associated, or connected in any way to Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association, the National Football League or the National Hockey League. By: John Crumpler. They’ll be gone by mid-season anyway, and our fans will try to convince themselves whatever third-string cannon-fodder ends up behind Center is the golden boy they’ve all been waiting for. By using our site, you consent to our use of cookies. JJ is gonna sack MORE QBs and then get up and act even MORE like Peter Greene when he puts on The Mask for the first time. Our logo has become an infamous gang tattoo and I can’t think of anything less intimidating. Years With the Texans: 2013; –19 Playoff Appearances: 2015; –16, 2018–19 All-Pro: 2015, 2017; –19 Pro Bowl: 2015, 2017; –. Their other offensive tackle pulled a Wendell Davis and tore up both knees on a single play last year. A little later two woman tried to pass by him in the row and in the process woke him up. J.J. does an all out social media blitz, posting vague quotes about work ethic, which all culminates in a Players’ Tribune article where he professes his undying love for Houston. I swear to god if the other pud teams in this division can’t find a way to overtake these bozos, I will personally poke them all in the eyes. They haven’t had a decent tight end since Owen Daniels. Everything about them screams “forged in a focus group of soccer moms”. The best thing anyone can say about the Texans’ offseason so far is that they undid some of the damage from last offseason’s signing of the Interception Giraffe. He also donated a million to Texas tort reform, which sees to it that if doctors leave a scalpel inside you, or if homebuilders sell you a house that collapses on you, you have no access to damages in court. This franchise is a crooked charity, proclaiming to love the fans above all, while secretly only loving the bottom line. We got to our seats a little before game time and the guy in front of us was passed out in his seat. No need to fold your body in half the wrong way just to prove a point.”. The Texans are literally the answer to the question, “If the Dallas Cowboys are AMERICA’S TEAM, what can we call the new Houston team to show that they’re TEXAS’S TEAM?”. It really has to work out this year.

And even fixing that cost them a second-round pick to the Browns and an entire lost season. See, says it right there on the chest.

news comments section and you’re guaranteed to see half a dozen Texans logos). Fucking zero. Everything you need to know about and expect during, the most important election of our lifetimes, Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise.

This team doesn’t even have Vince Wilfork around anymore (he retired via charcoal ad) to tie up blockers.

We are the team that everyone forgets exists. Because we have arguably the most talented defense in the league, borderline Top 10 talents at WR and RB and we are destined to forever be 9-7 or worse. But the Texans? I will tell you that in the original draft of this post (written way before the storm), we had a joke about how Houston was nothing but mattress stores.

The secondary is a bunch of no-names. It’s that our second best is either the five years of David Carr or the one-year stretches of either Ryan Fitzpatrick or Brian Hoyer. Also it only usually takes about 1-2 games before the callers on AM radio still say we should go out and sign Vince Young. In this metaphor, Brock is Timofey Mozgov. SINGLE.

He’s a poor man’s Darrius Heyward-Bey.

Do not edit ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD! By the way, the Texans were favored on the road against the Pats last season because the Pats were down to their third-string QB. I’m not even bothering to know the name of our quarterback anymore.

Good people all around. Do you know how many people I know who wear cowboy hats and boots? This is a truly miserable franchise to root for. It will be covered breathlessly by local media. D.J. Imagine huddling in a closet with your wife, 2 year old, and six week old baby repeatedly due to tornado warnings, hoping that if one did hit you wouldn’t be trapped under rubble while the floodwaters drowned you and everyone you loved. They will be boat raced by the Patriots this year. Of course, when it comes to his stadium. Our tough guy woodsman defensive all star (and the marketing firm behind him) is destined for Dancing With The Stars after he finishes his career. Your 2016 record: 9-7. I’m a native of Houston. JJ Watt is too full of himself. I know I belabor it every year, but God that nickname… every time I hear “Houston Texans,” the dumber it sounds.

I once saw a guy wearing a Shane Lechler jersey. He proceeded to yell something incoherent then puked all over himself and one of the women. Before we know it, the team is 6-6. Junior, the worst American President since at least Hoover, is suddenly not even the worst President of the last 16 years.). The Texans PR team came over and was trying to help the woman and offered to take her to the team store and get her all new clothes. Or dancing.

I’m waiting for the day Bob McNair proposes that overtime be played one-on-one so that Watt can realize his dream of literally being the entire team. We paid Brock Osweiler $37 million to gunsling with less accuracy than ketchup bot. Was team owner and “villain on The O.C.” Bob McNair appropriately angry about Osweiler’s failure last year? Why would a team sell a punter’s jersey, you might ask, when this team is simply BRIMMING with talent? The NFC East’s woes; Miami’s Tua decision: Your Week 7 weekend roundup. Now that the Bears have officially thrown in the towel, Cutler jumps to the top of the veteran QB market. Houston Texans players listed alphabetically or numerically. “Now we have three good quarterbacks and we are proud of all of them.”. Oh, look Barbara puts on the eyeblack for an ad cuz she loves football and the Texans so much!


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